I'll never forget the day that Jon and I first walked into our house. I was so excited. It had been on the market for almost a year, it was in our favorite neighborhood, and the price kept getting closer and closer to being a reality for us. Every week, I'd stalk it on the MLS with a little pit in my stomach as the page loaded. Would it still be there? Did someone beat us to it? But it was always STILL THERE, and it began to make me wonder... why?
Some months later, our real estate buddy finally convinced us to go take a peek. FINALLY! I couldn't wait to figure out why in the world was this house still on the market? Lot's of houses needed updating... and this was sure to be no exception... but the location was perfect. What was keeping this one from being snatched up?
It didn't take long to figure IT out. IT was right there in the entryway, waiting to assault our eyes. What on earth? A giant three-sided glass case, built into the wall from floor to 10-foot ceiling. How could anyone short of a little old lady with a massive spoon collection get past it?
And it wasn't just that it was obnoxious. Removing it would be a giant expensive headache, leaving a giant hole to the foundation in between unmatchable antique hardwood and 8 foot slabs of marble. If we left it there, what would we put in it? Swim team participation ribbons? 4-H trophies? A snow bunny collection? An aquarium?
So now that you've got that picture in your head, remember my post about hiding? That post has been such a forest from the trees milestone for me... and the even better news is that the forest is getting smaller and smaller, on every level. Not just in relationships, but in my creative life too.
I had a great conversation with another fellow creative yesterday. Towards the end of our chat, I asked if I'd ever told her about the ONE BIG THING that I did where I tried and I FAILED. To my surprise, because failure is not something I love to talk about, she said... "Yes! I think so." Wow, I thought, mommy brain has really gotten the best of me because I don't remember sharing that quite so openly. And then she reminded me of the details. She remembered! Except, it was the OTHER time that I tried and FAILED!
How funny! Here I've been, stuck in the proverbial moment for what feels like ages and if I'd have had the good sense to pull my head out of the sand, I would have realized, it wasn't the first time, and it most definitely won't be the last!
But you know what else I've been missing? How ill-placed the trophies in my life are. If my trophies of choice are "what" I do rather than "who" I am, then my self-worth is tied to the roller coaster of achievement and failure. Sure those things sometimes matter, but just how much they matter is due to where I place them in my life. If I put them in the foyer of my heart, I'm completely and totally susceptible to being elated or shamed based on the latest trophy in my case. I'd have to pass by them every time I go to start something new. How stupid is that?
I've come a long way over the last three years in terms of what I consider my trophies. They're no long statuettes or certificates or plaques. They're memories of people and places and family and friends. They're intangible feelings, like reveling in things like reveling in the richness of a day of pouring my energy into my family and my home. And treasuring the fact that I can still get lost in a song (or a blog.) But yesterday's conversation revealed to me that I've still got that big empty trophy case hiding just beyond my front door.
It's not that I won't go after big accomplishments anymore... that's part of my nature. It's just that the prize won't be success or failure. It'll be knowing that I did the best with what was in front of me every step of the way. My hope is that, from now on, everything I do will come from moments of excellence rather than just a giant race to the finish.
As for the real trophy case...we did conquer it. It's now the proud location of a solid wall. On the other side of that wall is a the shell of the trophy case... it's now a bookcase that holds important titles like "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", "Winnie The Pooh", and "Elmo Goes Potty." We figured out how save this beautiful house from a massive eyesore. Now if I can just finish the renovation of my heart.
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